Insults for Fat People

Now I know what you’re all thinking, how despicable, how insensitive, how downright cruel of you. But you know what? Fat people can be assholes too, and when the time comes, you are going to need these tools that I’ve developed to right the wrongs of false injustice and tip the scales in favor of political equality. And before you all go to your little keyboards in protest of such a heartless piece of writing, know that I’ve spent the better part of my life as a fat mother fucker myself, only recently having graduated to slightly less fat, but a motherfucker all the same. So, without further adieu, let the self-deprecating madness begin.
Now, when it comes to throwing out insults to generously proportioned individuals, there’s a few choice areas we’re gonna focus on.

Area 1: Man Tits

Man tits are goddamn hilarious. Think about how men so revere the existence of the female breast. Now think about the exact opposite of that, and you’ve got man tits. Two saggy, fat badges of pure and utter shame, the international symbol of being at the bottom of the social food chain. That being said, I used to have some, and let me tell you, they were gross.

Let us now focus in on the different attributes that work to form the anti-majestic shape that is the male breast:

1. The nipple: The nipple on the male breast is generally large in circumference and considerably puffy. This often gives it the appearance of no real separation between tip and tit. Use this to your advantage on every beach from here to Europe should one of these fat pricks seek to disturb your wrath.

2. Hair: Unlike the female breast, man tits are usually pretty fucking hairy, use this in a variety of combinations of clever word play and emerge an intellectual, fat shaming giant. (example: Gorilla Tits, Sasquatch Tits, Bear nipples…you get the idea)

3. Relative Cone shape: One thing about man tits is that they’re never a perky pair of double Ds. Every single pair is like this sorry sack of sad, sagging Bs. Because of this, they develop this conular shape, like a snow-capped mountain that’s been tipped on its side. This gives way to a number of shots you can take at your cone titted nemesis (example: Ice cream Tits, Georgia pine nips, and of course; Madonna.)

Beyond these three elements, get creative. Man tits are funny. Hell, any word that precedes the word tits when directed at a fat person will sound fucking hysterical. Ex: Fat tits, Floppy tits, skinny tits, short tits, Soft tits, nipple tits, Tits Mcquee, Tits Henderson, Johnny Cone tits, you get my drift.

Area 2: Ass

The wonderful thing about zeroing in on a fat persons ass is that if they’re fat enough, sometimes they have two. One beneath their back fat, and if you’re lucky, one where their dick is supposed to be. This opens the door for a lot of shower jokes. Maybe you’re in the gym, and some fat assholes decides to take a shot at you for drinking a protein shake, or having awesome biceps. Not to worry, you’ve prepared for this moment. You can counter with something like “Hey, why do you have two belly buttons?”, or better yet, you can use the full extent of your education a come back with “Hey Thomas the tank tits, who ate your dick?”. And the balance of justice is restored once again.

Area 3: Chin(s)

As was the case with asses, fat people often have multiple chins. I’d know, I use my beard to hide the second one. The number of chins you have generally corresponds to your current level of fatness. If someones being a dickhead and you notice a level three or higher, you know it’s time for one of these go to insults:

“Hey, you’ve got something on your chin….no not that one, third one from the bottom”

“When you need to think, which chin do you rub?”

And of course:

“Woah, that’s a lot of chins”

Area 4: Women

In accordance with our generation and the rest of society in the 21st century, we here at widely consider ourselves to be feminists. In the spirit of such, and the value we hold for gender equality, we would be remiss if we allowed for such a male centered article to end without so much as a single mention of the fairer sex.

Lucky for us, I don’t need to dig deep to unearth this one. It’s pretty simple, if ever a large woman gets all dickish and rude, just call her a fat cunt. She’ll be so mad her fuzzy little fucking head will explode. You’re welcome.

In conclusion, I don’t regret a word of what I’ve said here. In a world where it’s okay to make fun of someone for being too short, or being too stupid or being just a little bit ugly, I think it should be okay to point out the obvious and take a shot at someones weight, especially if they fucking deserve it. I don’t subscribe to the idea that I need to hold my tongue for the sake of propriety. Our generation is soft as shit as it is. So if you tip the scales at 320lbs and also happen to be a bit of a jerk, watch the fuck out tubby. And I urge you all to do the same.

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