The American super-chain Walmart is basically a real-life Amazon store, except you can actually see how depressed the staff are and shoppers look like they’re taken straight from a Cronenberg film. Given the abundance of all-year deals and one-off feeding frenzies such as Black Friday, it’s hard to imagine why anyone would feel inclined to steal from the store — and yet, here we are. This is The Chalkdown’s comprehensive guide on how to steal from Wal Mart. Disclaimer: we don’t condone stealing or illegal activity of any kind. If you wanted to become a successful criminal, you would not be reading this article.
Ever noticed how shopping carts have a lower rack? Those racks are designed for low-priority items to free up space for your Bud Light, hot dogs and birth control. The trick with this method is to place the desired swag on the bottom rack of the shopping cart, right above the wheels. Once you’ve finished shopping, go to the cashier to pay (don’t forget to get a scratch card and your favourite menthols!) — while keeping the cashier’s attention above the fold, and simply walk out.
While the fancy-pants nerds at Silicon Valley figure out the next iteration of artificial intelligence, you’re stuck with the dumbfounded self-service checkout. In this method, you’ll use the frustration of the automated experience to your advantage. Simply grab a basket with the desired loot, complete your shopping and head to the automated checkout area. There is usually an attendant on hand to make sure people don’t break the screens out of blind rage. Simply wait for an angry shopper to seek assistance, then pretend to scan your items and bag them. For added realism, you can say “boop” each time you pass the scanner, and be sure to insert your card and pointlessly while tapping the screen. By the time you’re finished, just grab your stuff and walk out!
If the first two methods aren’t daring enough for you, this one is sure to be a rush. For this method, you’ll need to wear a full tracksuit (extra points if the bottoms have something sultry written on the back). Once you’re comfortable, take a plastic mixing bowl and secure it under your sweater with the lip resting on the pant’s waistband. Now grab a shopping cart and start waddling around the shop until you spot some bounty. For extra authenticity, you can even carry a water bottle in your pouch and break it open in case you need a quick exit. In case you’re spotted committing petty theft, simply open the bottle and yell “my water just broke!” before making your escape.
Unlike the steel that your nerves will require, you’ll be using aluminium for this method. First, find a large branded shopping bag, preferably from a store near your target Wal Mart. In the comfort of your mobile home, line the inside of the bag thoroughly with tin foil, ensuing that there are no gaps. Once in-store, put the bag on a shopping cart with your favourite brand of budget frankfurters and cheese slices. As you lean in to grab your loot, make it look as though you’re placing it on the cart when you’re actually slipping it into the getaway bag. Once you leave, the aluminium will prevent the entrance security barriers from being triggered, and you’ll be back in your trailer in no time!
If none of the above methods seem appealing, you could always just buy what you’re looking for, at a steal. If you’re prepared to fight hordes of nightmarish creatures to the death, then you should wait until Black Friday! The Chalk Down accepts no responsibility for any tomfoolery committed after reading this article.