How to Get Drunk

How to get drunk. You probably never thought you’d actually have to ask yourself that question. Those nights always come, though — the ones where no matter many many shots you throw down your throat, you just can’t seem to catch a buzz. Well, don’t worry. You’re not alone. In the event that this describes you, we can teach you how to get drunk with minimal effort. Depending on the type of drink you like to consume, there are different approaches to take. Our in-depth guide will outline the absolute best way to get drunk so you won’t have to worry about that hangover that just wasn’t worth it ever again.

Pick your poison

The most important part of learning how to get wasted is to know which alcohol works best for you. Be assertive with your drink choices. Don’t let your friends sway you into wasting money on kamikaze shots and wine spritzers. Learn whether you’re a beer, wine or spirits person. Knowing which of these categories works best for your metabolism will eliminate any unworthy beverages. If you’re a beer guy, don’t bother fucking with a mellow red wine. And if you’re a whiskey guy, don’t bother fucking with a beer. It’s simple math. With this in mind, think about all your drunkest nights. Think about what you drank and hold it in your heart. That’s what you should be drinking when you want to get wasted. Period.

How to get wasted? Drink fast, and drink hard

Nobody likes a pussy. In other words, nobody likes a slow drinker. Slow drinkers make warriors want to crush their tiny skulls. When people complain about “not quite feeling it”, more often than not, it’s because they’ve been nursing their little drink for the last 45 minutes. Lucky for you, this condition is treatable. If you suffer from acute pussy drinking syndrome, there’s a quick fix: stop being so fucking soft. It’s a little-known fact that being a huge pussy is a condition suffered by both men and women alike. And it does have a cure. It’s simple really, just man the fuck up. Instead of sipping on your cocktail through a straw, throw the whole goddamn thing down your throat once. Take it from us, you won’t have much trouble getting drunk after that.

Use (and abuse) narcotics

This one probably isn’t for everybody. But in the likely case that you’re down with narcotics, we have news for you. Drugs are fantastic. Almost every last one of them is a catalyst for getting you much drunker, much faster. For example, Cocaine is a simple exercise in seeing how monumentally fucked up one person can get. When mixed with alcohol, it can make 5 drinks feel like 15. But be warned, it’s expensive, and you know, super dangerous. On the mellower side, we have marijuana. Pot is great for getting drunk. Smoke a few joints, drain a six-pack and you’ll feel like you’re wrapped in the warmest blanket you’ve ever felt. The downside, though, is the massive chance you pass the fuck out. Other amphetamines, uppers and powders will also send you spiralling into fuck fueled frenzy.

Engage in drinking activities

Drinking activities include anything from beer pong, card games, bar crawls to wine tastings. Doing things that encourage your drinking will help you get drunk organically. When you try too hard, sometimes the booze has a harder time going down. If you really want to know how to get drunk like a pro, these activities are the key. Drinking games encourage mass consumption, which in turns facilitates the drinking process. When things feel normal, the drunk comes all the more easily. The real beautiful thing is that almost anything can be turned into a drinking game. Watching sports? Drink when they score. Watching a movie? You can make a drinking game out of that too. Have fun with it, and remember, don’t drink responsibly.

Drink in good company

Having a few fucked up compatriates never hurts on your neverending quest to get drunk. Creating the right atmosphere for a good fucking time is integral. The best way to get drunk is around of people who are getting drunk. Parties, pre-drinks barbeques and basements. This is how to get drunk properly. Sure, we won’t knock the occasional personal bottle of tequila, but drinking is supposed to bring you joy. Sharing your drink with other people makes it seem more natural. In other words, you won’t feel like a gigantic pile of worthless dog shit when you wake up the following morning.

Handle your hangovers

Learning how to get drunk encompasses a little more than just efficiency and atmosphere. You also need to learn to do it continuously. Continuous drinking is an art. Not everyone can do it. People generally lay in bed for hours following a night of beer luges and butt-chugging. But that should never be the case. Every morning, you should get out of bed and be ready to down a fifth of bourbon in a heartbeat. If you aren’t, it might ruin your taste of drunk shenanigans altogether. So next time you wake up after a night out, make sure you get your ass out of bed and get on with your day. The more you complain, the worse your hangover will be. It’s that simple. Spend less time being a lazy waste of life and embrace the nausea. Never let a few drinks get the best of you.

If you find it difficult to get wasted, don’t simply give up. Remember: quitters never win, and winners never quit. Follow the words of people who know. No one likes a person who passes on a free drink.

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