When a relationship fails between a guy and his girlfriend, everything is generally complicated. If it’s a longer relationship, you have to sort out and return possessions, inform your friends, deal with social media and go back to the gym to lose relationship fat. If it’s a short-term fling, you just cut rope and live your life like she never existed. For the majority of the male population, these standard plans work. However, practically speaking, some girls are crazy and might have a baby. Yeah, that’s right dude, your ex-girlfriend may be pregnant. This article is all about trying to figure out whether you will need to pay child support or whether an intervention, of some sort, can save the day.
If you have the luxury of still being connected to her on social media, it is highly recommended to visit her profiles and see what she looks like. Is she wearing baggy clothes? Oh boy…let’s hope it’s not a baby boy. Has she gained a nice round belly, or put on a couple of pounds? The key here is to differentiate between whether it’s your old girlfriend eating her sadness away from the breakup, or her putting on the baby momma fat.
What about an absence of pictures? This is a truly horrible sign. If a girl is not posting on social media after a breakup, she is 99% pregnant. This is a move that we now need to refer to as the Kylie Jenner (sidebar: she has 109 million Instagram followers and didn’t post while pregnant). Based on generic male knowledge, the amount of social media posting goes up exponentially after a breakup. You might even see 12 Instagram stories in one day. Newly-single girls need to show the world that no man will ever slow them down. If you don’t see any pictures, she is pregnant, or severely depressed (this is one of the few times where cheering for depression is acceptable).
Unless you’re a seasoned master of breakups, most guys tend to forget at least one of their ex-girlfriend’s friends. Traditionally, the forgotten friend is somebody on one end of the scale. When I say scale, it has a metaphorical meaning, but it also has a literal meaning as well – the friend who you still have on Facebook or Instagram is usually the fattest and ugliest, or the skinniest and prettiest. In either context, these social connections are exceptionally important, as you may determine whether your ex is pregnant by verifying posts, pictures and stories. Use the same principles as above and do not skip any posts. You may very well encounter a situation where your ex wasn’t tagged.
If you were even remotely attentive during your time together, you will remember a few crucial details about your old sweetheart. You’ll remember pleasant dates, places that had emotional or symbolic value, and most importantly, locations where she went and what she did with her days. At this point, we need to write a disclaimer that you should absolutely not fucking stalk your ex-girlfriend. Do not do that. At all. Ever.
However, if you’d like to harmlessly go to the same hot yoga class on Wednesdays at 7 PM, to get a peek at whether she’s pregnant, well it’s a free world and we’re surely not going to stop you from getting spiritually aligned. The key here is to avoid being a creep. It is imperative that you do not act like a stalker in any way, shape or form. All you really need is a 3-second glance at whether she is walking like a normal person or rolling like a pregnant one. When in doubt, bring a friend. If you’re extra pro, bring a female friend. It causes jealousy and reduces the stalker factor by a large margin.
Now, you’ve reached a real low point. All other methods have been exhausted. The negative thoughts of raising a child with your insignificant other are causing night terrors and sobs of despair. It’s finally time to escalate the situation and reach out via text or iMessage or messenger. This is not a step that should be taken lightly, as you will absolutely be bombarded by a bunch of name calling and harsh criticism. She will let you know that you’re a real piece of crap.
There are no right answers or strategies on how to approach this situation. You can play the Evasive Game and ask her how she is doing. The goal here is to lead up to whether she has something “important to tell you”. It’s a slow-roll and only recommended for men with nerves of steel.
Alternatively, you can play the Direct Game, and just ask her outright if she’s pregnant. Rip the bandage off cleanly. Be sure to mention that you want a pregnancy test or a paternity test. The risk here is that you’ve played your hand early and she very may well choose to string you along. For the truly psycho exes, she has all the knowledge and leverage and will undoubtedly demand something in return. If it’s money, record that shit so you can show it to a judge later!
Half the battle for pregnancy knowledge is mental math. There are many calculations that need to be fleshed out to arrive at the understanding that you seek. First, you would be properly served by calculating the expected range of when you may have impregnated your ex. It would be wise to remember every event, major or minor to identify when the gestation period could have started.
Secondly, and perhaps most importantly, you need to calculate the ever-imperative baby-bump to abortion ratio. Depending on when your old lover began her pregnancy, the goal is to find the zone where she is clearly showing a baby bump, but still within the range of getting an abortion. While all men have absolutely no right to make a decision for a woman or her body, potential fathers definitely have the right to raise their opinion or lack of desire on being a father.
In conclusion, if your ex-girlfriend is, in fact, pregnant, and you had to find out for yourself, she’s probably fucking crazy. It remains exclusively your decision whether you want to be in a relationship with somebody as deceitful as that. Regardless, that kid is your responsibility (pending a mandatory paternal test)! You need to stand up and own that shit. Be supportive with any decision your partner will want to make because the decision is ultimately hers. If you feel that there was something more sinister at play, definitely consult a lawyer or family attorney. All of this will work out in the end, even if you have to be a daddy when you don’t want to. It’s only 18 years wasted. People do 25 for worse things. Just think, in 3 years, you can finally cash in on that DILF play.