Why Coachella Sucks

There are very few places in the world that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, just plain suck. Coachella is certainly one of those places. Deep in the bowels of the California valley lies a festival of self-entitled rich and spoiled fuckwits in dumb clothes. In reality, it’s a bunch of boring people listening to shitty music trying to convince people on the internet that they’re having a good time. Let’s take a look at some of the most prominent reasons why Coachella sucks.

The outfits

Let’s be real, the outfits are fucking ridiculous. The only thing more infuriating about how people dress to go to these dumbass music festivals is the fact that everybody looks the same. Every girl is clad in a pair of high waisted booty shorts, a half shirt and no shoes. It’s like a competition to see who can look the sluttiest and pretend they still have an ounce of integrity. News flash ladies! Body paint doesn’t count as a shirt. What’s more, every single person thinks this thing is a fucking fashion show. Your white flower tiaras aren’t cute, they make you look like a moron. Although, a basic white bitch in Native-American garb is spectacularly entertaining.

The hypocrisy

Low-fat, organic, free-range, Columbian cocaine snorting vegans. In other words, people at Coachella are massive hypocrites. They spend their days lecturing the masses about cruelty-free dining options and wild concoctions that’ll add ten years to your life. Oh ya, and a shitload of cocaine cut with fentanyl and broken glass. The people who attend these festivals all fancy themselves these new-age hippy dipshits, but in reality, they’re far closer to being drug-addicted alcoholics. While it’s great to value your health and wellbeing, being a hypocrite about it just makes you a gigantic douchebag.

The god-awful music

We all remember the days when people could actually recognize the names on a music festival poster. While there were some big names on the 2018 bill like Eminem and Beyonce, it came at the cost of sitting through some seriously shitty artists. Who the fuck is San Holo or Marian Hill? And even when the music is spectacular, it’s so short lived. Festival slots run an hour max. No exceptions. There are amateur musicians that get to play for longer than that. How can anyone enjoy that? Not to mention the fact that everybody is so fucking drunk by the time the headliners go on that it’s completely impossible to enjoy.

There are too many people

Festivals have gotten too goddamn packed. There are just too many people. Even though Coachella is spread across three days, it’s still packed to the brim with jerkoffs. There’s nothing quite as infuriating as walking through a crowd of people who can’t even tell their hands from their assholes. Also, uninvited physical contact is grounds for punching someone straight in the pussy. Also, there’s only so many times you can get kicked in the head by some chick on that tall dude’s shoulders who’s out of his head on acid before you kneecap a motherfucker.

It’s fake as shit

Everybody is fake as all fuck. People like to pretend they can all handle their shit when in reality they’ll be puking their guts out before the 7 pm slot opens up the stage. Coachella is a conglomeration of people who just want to look like their having fun. It’s fake people, consuming fake narcotics listening to fake artists who make fake shitty music. Why do they do it? Probably for Instagram likes. More likely because they wanna make their poor friends jealous.

Coachella is dog shit. You’ll have more fun at a real concert in a real venue any day of the week. Unless you wanna take out a second mortgage to buy a few beers, spend your time doing something more productive. Like literally, anything.


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