How to Poop at School: College Edition

If you’re like most people, you probably dread the awful “poop at school” (unless you’re a real man and relish the idea of public shitting). No man should ever be embarrassed about taking a cannonading dump inside a public restroom. Take pride in your ability to make people run screaming from the stalls next to you. But, for those with a shy colon, it’s worth laying down a few rules. We members of The Chalkdown understand your plight. Well, actually, we don’t. But we’re sensitive to those with weaker constitutions than ours. Next time you’re caught between college classes with a turd begging to split your buttcheeks, consult this handy guide to avoiding public shame and ridicule.

Learn to own your bowels

The main reason people make fun of you for trying to poop at school is your piss poor attitude. You have to learn to own your shits. First of all, it’s important to walk into the bathroom with pride. Once people have seen how proud you are of your meaty masterpiece, they can’t use it against you. As a result, you’ll look cool as a cucumber after your 15-minute power shit. You’ll know, the teacher will know, and so will all your classmates. That’s how to poop at school, college style.

If you shit on the rim, wipe it down

Now, we’re not suggesting that any of you would intentionally shit on the toilet seat (maybe some of you), but have some fucking courtesy. Accidents happen. Maybe you just wiped a particularly messy brown war crime out of your asshole and the paper bounced a bit off the rim. That would leave quite the stinky track mark all over your beloved college bathroom. People have to use those bathrooms, and you better believe they’re gonna see you come out of the stall. So take a little break from carving little bits of Nazi hate speech into the stall door and wipe down the fucking seat.

Don’t write on the stalls

Ever notice how you scribble all over the stall door and two weeks later whatever you wrote is gone? That’s because the poor fucking janitor had to spend a few days scrubbing it off with a toothbrush. And not just any toothbrush, his toothbrush. That’s right, that’s how badly we treat our cleaning staff in our society. Show a little bit of fucking respect for the poor bastard that has to clean up after your sorry ass.

How to poop in college dorms

It’s the 21st century, college dorms are coed, and every 19 year old on the planet wants to pretend that shit doesn’t come out of their assholes. Fine we get it, you don’t wanna stink up the joint in front of that big-titted freshman you’ve wanted to bang all semester. So how do you poop at school under these conditions? Here’s a hint, you don’t. College campuses are riddled with fine establishments that exist for just such an occasion. Libraries are usually the most reliable. They won’t get on your ass for not buying a coffee or a doughnut first. Coffee shops and small restaurants are also acceptable alternatives. As a result, you’ll never have to shit in front of the woman of your dreams again. Which brings us to…

Never poop at school on the same floor as your class

If you need to cry havoc and unleash the turds of war during a college lecture, always poop on a different floor. Some dumps are especially nasty, but that’s no reason to hide. Pooping on a different floor allows you to walk enough distance to know whether or not you’ve wiped enough on your way back. We’ve all been there, there’s no shame in going back for a courtesy wipe. What there is shame in, is have to stick your finger in your ass in the middle of a class to take care fo an itchy butthole. Very unbecoming.

Shit like no one is watching

Don’t hold back. As much as everyone would like to have others believe that they don’t drop hard bombs in the bathroom, people shit, it’s what they do. There’s nothing worse than someone who can’t own up to it. Don’t go into a stall and try to stifle your log so it doesn’t come splashing down into the water. That will just lead to an unsatisfying dump and have you back in the bathroom within the hour. Have some balls and do your business.

There you have it, how to poop at school. For more information about shitting in tough places, take a look here for some tips about getting away for some extra bathroom time when you’re on the clock.

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