Let’s be honest, there’s no reason to fly sober ever. Period. But for those who aren’t careful, it’s gonna be a rough time. Planes are fucked up, specifically airports. If they’re not asking you to empty out your water bottles and throw away your toenail clippers, they’re probably shoving a couple of fingers up your ass. In some circumstances, that probably sounds like a pretty great time. But given the fact that you’re about to spend anywhere from 3 to 15 hours on a plane, probably fucking not. And guess what, it’s no better once you get on the plane. We all remember that Asian doctor on United that got the living shit kicked out of him. Clearly, these aren’t people you want to fuck with. We here at The Chalkdown think it’s important that our readers know how to stay safe when getting drunk in a plane.
Where to get the booze is an important piece of information. We personally believe that airports are a fucking ripoff when it comes to getting torched. That’s why the best course of action is hitting up the good ol’ duty-free. Not only does the duty-free have a wide selection of potent potables, they’re also cheap as hell. Now, you won’t want anyone to see you drinking straight from the bottle, so you’ll want to get yourself a plastic bottle you can empty and fill it up with a delicious clear alcohol of your choosing. If you want to be drunk in a plane, you’re going to want to start drinking before takeoff.
If you can afford it, always fly first class. There’s a lot of reasons for it, but basically, it just kicks way more ass. You get more leg room, less noise, and guess what? Drinks are free. All it really takes is a solid 10 to 15 of those fuckers to make it worth your while. But that’s not the only reason. Like we said before, you don’t want to piss these people off… unless you fly first class. Flying first class is basically an aerial declaration that you live better than everyone else. And that includes the flight staff. You can get away with far more in first class that you ever would in coach. So if you’re kind of an asshole when you’re wasted, best to spend the extra cash and avoid getting chucked in with the luggage.
Always be good to the people who serve you on the plane. Whether it’s the pilot, the flight attendant or all the way down to the dude who probably wipes your ass in the first class bathrooms, always be courteous. Getting in good with the staff is a great way to draw attention away from the fact that you’re fucking up everyone else’s good time on the flight. Look at it this way, if they like you, they probably don’t give a shit that you’re kicking the back of the old lady’s seat in front of you. Ya, that’s right, fuck you, Gertrude. Earn their love and you’ll be drunk in a plane in no time.
Scenario: you’re in the middle of your flight and all of a sudden, BAM, the lady next to you asks if you could turn your music down. At this point, you’re probably thinking, well shit, I don’t wanna. This right here is where you can get yourself into a lot of trouble. You need to avoid confrontation at all costs. Eyes straight and mouth shut. After a few more drinks it’ll probably get easier to ignore her.
Let’s face it, if you’re the type of person who needs to get drunk to fly, you probably have no problem vomiting in an airplane bathroom. Much like pooping at work, the key is to be discreet. Always avoid drawing attention to yourself as you waddle on over to the immensely undersized bathrooms. Once you’re there, vomit directly into the toilet, never into the sink. The toilet’s flushing mechanism is so strong that it will get rid of most any stain you manage to get all over the porcelain. If you happen to have a mishap and miss the bowl, use a paper towel to mop up the affected areas and get your ass back to your seat without delay.
There’s no reason to fly sober. Next time you’re up in the air, use this guide to drink yourself into a stupor. Watch the hours melt away as you sail the skies with your head in the clouds and hopefully no vomit on your shirt.