Bumble: Things Dudes Don’t Understand

What’s all the buzz about bumble?

I don’t understand bumble. Dating apps have increased in popularity, to the point that half of my friend’s relationships started online. Bumble set out to become Tinder’s older, more refined sibling, doing away with the tropes that have plagued the millennial online dating scene. Read on to find out my impressions of the platform so far.

The great Bumble exodus

There has been a migration from Tinder to Bumble, which can only be explained by the constant stream of terrible pick-up lines, shirtless pictures and eggplant emojis (wink wink) sent by guys. Girls, however are not blameless in this vicious circle of swiping in the virtual speed dating room. Here is a list of things that I don’t get:

1. Do I need to be good looking?

There are a ton of guides online on how to get a date on bumble. What none of them seem to address, however, is one simple truth: be good-looking. It sounds harsh, but in a world where a split-second decision makes the difference between a right-swipe match made in heaven or left-swipe purgatory, you need to look the part.

2. I’m not a supermodel, can I still get a date on bumble?

If you’re not a chiseled hunk or gal, don’t panic! There are simple ways you can still get around. If you have a “cuddly physique”, consider taking artistic shots that strategically show your good features. Better yet, use the cheerleader effect to average out your imperfections. If you have a wonky eye or crooked nose, say, consider uploading fun actions shots that showcase your great personality, sense of adventure or sarcastic nature.

3. Okay, I got a bumble match, now what?

Well done, you’ve landed yourself a match! This brings me to the next thing I don’t understand about bumble: why is it so difficult to meet in person? If you’re a guy who receives the first message from a girl, congratulations. If you’re a girl who takes the step, well done. But I don’t understand why people would bother matching in the first place if the goal isn’t to meet. I mean, there’s nothing to lose: you either click or you don’t, you’ll never know if you don’t go.

4. Do some people just use bumble to self-validate?

Probably, yes. I can’t speak about guys, but a good many girls seem to use dating apps such as bumble to boost self-confidence. Who doesn’t like the unwavering attention of a horde of online swipers? Each time you get matched, a little dose of dopamine goes off in your brain, and the feeling can be quite addictive. For every match that has been willing to meet me (see #3), at least two have “just got out of relationships” and now isn’t a good time to meet new people. So don’t bloody use it then!

5. Why do I get matches but no messages?

This may well relate to #1 and #4, but I still don’t understand why this happens. On bumble, girls must break the ice by messaging first, so there is no chauvinistic male nonsense on this dating platform. It’s actually a noble idea and forces the status quo to do a handstand. The problem is, this handstand falls flat on its face when girls don’t take the first step. To add insult to injury, bumble reminds us that we’ll “lose them forever”… that’s pretty dramatic.

6. Is bumble the new Snapchat?

One thing that drives me nuts on dating apps is the influx of Snapchat pictures. Girls, for instance, have started to bring with them the biggest thing I don’t understand about bumble: snapchat filters. The level of dedication to looking like a caricature is downright impressive. Ladies, a sure-fire way to get a date is to put the doggy filter, heart-crown filter, or better yet, the big-eyes teddy-nose filter. What guy could resist an anime-eyed-sims character?

Final word

Dating apps are here to stay, so deal with it. Personally, my brand of humour doesn’t translate very well over text – I find the skills necessary to be successful on these apps mutually exclusive to those required to be a good conversationalist IRL. Then again, maybe I just don’t meet point #1.

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