Am I an Instagram Slut?

It is perfectly reasonable to ask yourself if you’re an Instagram slut. Most people that use the platform are content uploading occasional holiday shots and the odd selfie. Through strenuous research and development, we’ve created the last word in diagnostic tools: The Chalkdown’s Patented Instagram Sluttiness Index ™ (SLI™). Read on to see where you fit in this first-of-its-kind rating system! You could be on the lower end of the scale (SLI™ 0.1: promiscuously-inclined), or you could max it out (SLI™ 1.0: Paris Hilton sex-tape-in-her-own father’s-hotel level).

How do you pose for your photos?

A picture paints a thousand words, but sometimes, the way you pose can only be described in so many. Candid shots work well when done properly, but let’s face it: we don’t all look like Meghan Markle or have a team of industry professionals on our side. That being said, figuring out whether you’re an Instagram slut is also dependant on the poses you strike in your uploads. See where you fit on the Instagram posturing analysis:

  • Group photos: 0.3 ISI ™ — No one wants to work out which one you are.
  • Pictures with someone cropped out: 0.4 ISI™ — That’s just cold..
  • Holding t-shirt over abs/sticking out butt: 0.6 ISI™ — Save that for Tinder!.
  • Shameless cleavage with a non-sequitur caption: 0.8 ISI™ — No one is looking your new haircut….
  • In mirror with phone: 1.0 ISI™ —The last word, unless if it’s a legit progress shot..

Sorry to break it to you, but if you’re constantly uploading progress shots and talking about how “blessed” you feel whilst simultaneously fulfilling any of the above: you’re an Insta-slut. Do you upload multiple pictures, all of which contain group photos? No one gives a toss, and you’re an Insta-thot. Constantly uploading pictures taken in bathroom, bedroom or dirty mirrors? Looks like you’re a bona-fide-insta-ho!

Do you promote your Instagram profile on dating apps?

If you use Tinder, Bumble, Happn, and whatever other dating apps are out there, take a look at your profile. Linking your Instagram to these apps is not necessarily a sign that you’re an Instagram slut, after all it provides an extended platform on which to be creeped. Take a closer look at your profile description. There are some tell-tell signs you may be a little big of an Instagram slut in the following tiers:

  • Instagram profile is linked to your account: 0.1 ISI™ — This is acceptable.
  • Instagram is linked, but mostly for artistic shots: 0.3 ISI™ — Why though, it’s a dating app not Tumblr?
  • A playful description, with your IG tag at the end and a linked account: 0.6 ISI™ — Getting a little sales-y at this point.
  • No profile description whatsoever, only an instagram tag: 0.8 ISI™ — Now you’re taking the piss.
  • Description says “I don’t use Tinder, message me on IG: 1.0 ISI™ — Probably an actual prostitute.

If you’re in the first category, chances are you’re more concerned with self-validation than anything else, no need for panic, we all are. If, however you’re in the last one, then you are a Category 5 Instagram Slut, and you’re probably a “cam model too”. Bonus points for having a private account, where you need to manually accept follow invitations, you little IG whore!

How many photo-editing apps do you have?

Everyone loves making a good thing better. With virtually unlimited filters, effects, and ways to share photos, we live in a perfectionist echo chamber. For most people, Instagram’s built-in editing tools are adequate for jazzing up their avocado toast. This is just the tip of the iceberg though, since there are a plethora of photo editing apps out there, ranging from practical photo correction to full-blown aesthetic buggery. Check your apps for these kinds of behaviours:

  • iOS/Android’s default camera app to enhance photos: 0.1 ISI™ — Auto enhance is like face cream for your photos, no worries here.
  • Instasize or other apps that allow you to post non-squared pictures: 0.3 ISI™ — Think outside of the box!
  • Boomeranged GIFs at any chance: 0.6 ISI™ — No one cares about your perpetual pizza bite.
  • Heavily filtered pictures, with distorted body/facial features: 0.8 ISI™ — Is it… human?
  • traight-up photoshop, done by an industry professional: 1.0 ISI™ — Unless it’s literally your job.

This one is a little more flexible, because photo editing can be done to tremendous effect on landscape and nature shots – if it’s done sparingly. Make no mistake though, if you’re on the last one, you’re a category 5 Instagram slut who has a suspiciously large budget. That, or you’re a professional model.

What does your description say about you?

For most people, the descriptive caption under you IG tag is a place to introduce themselves, or write a witty quip. For the typical Instagram slut though, this is a place to flaunt your digital tramp-stamp to various degrees. Descriptions are typically short and sweet, but many accounts use this space to cross-market various other accounts and services. Consider the following:

  • “Traveller” / “wonderer” / “just having fun” / 🚩: 0.2 ISI™ — How do you finance this lifestyle?
  • External links to promote personal blog, especially fitness and forex trading: 0.4 ISI™ — Ads are getting smarter.
  • Only emojis, for example: 🍕🧘🏼‍♀️🍷: 0.5 ISI™ — Unless you’re actually 12.
  • “I only love my bed and my momma”: 0.9 ISI™ — You have a pH: 14.
  • Only the word “Influencer”: 1.0 ISI™ — You’re not, though.

The SLI™ is still undergoing rigorous tests at TheChalkdown’s labs for this particular metric, since there are genuine reasons for using some of these moderately. There is, however, never a genuine reason to use a Drake quote a self-descriptor — unless of you’re running through Toronto with a handful of good friends. The crown here is worn by those who only have the word “influencer” in the description, because real influencers don’t feel the need to proclaim it.

Real-world behaviours

If you’re a part of modern civilization, then you most likely have a decently good camera on you at all times. It’s perfectly reasonable to start snapping away in new cities, on occasions, and for the heck of it. True Instagram sluts will never miss out on a photo opportunity, and they aren’t always the focal point of these photos too. Have you found yourself using “Instagram speak” in real life? Check out these behaviours, and take a good long ponder:

  • Asking someone you just met to follow you on IG: 0.3 ISI™ — Coming on strong.
  • Following a person to get followed back, then unfollowing: 0.4 ISI™ — The Instagram equivalent of “buy me a drink” before walking away abruptly.
  • Not being physically able to take a single bite of food before taking a picture: 0.6 ISI™ — This may be a new form of eating disorder, consult your physician.
  • Constantly asking your friends to take pictures of you anytime you go to a new place, not being happy with the picture; and asking for another: 0.8 ISI™ — Proper piss-take now.
  • When laughing at people’s jokes, saying things like “haha —like and follow”: 1.0 ISI™ — We’re reaching Insta-slut levels that shouldn’t even exist!

Remember, people in real life don’t care as much about your trivial nonsense as they do online. Most girls don’t tend to wait for the subway in yoga pants sticking their butts out, most guys don’t tend to order their coffees whilst holding up their shirts and flexing. Keep that Insta-sluttiness online for best results!

Final word

Let’s face it, we’re all Insta-sluts to a small degree. Those who score 1.0 on every SLI™ factor are back-alleyway Instasluts who would sniff followers off a rusty key. We’ll keep your secret safe, because at TCD, we’re okay with that.


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