How to Poop at Work

We all know it’s embarrassing. Getting up to take a poop at work? It’s like a walk of shame you have to do every god damn day. It’s a particularly touchy subject when you’re a power shitter like me. Some people with weak assholes just don’t understand what it’s like to take a shit that lasts anywhere from fifteen to thirty-five minutes at a time. Because, if I could reiterate, they’re fucking weak. In any case, if you suffer from a similar case of excess butthole power, it might be time to learn a few tricks that’ll make it seem like you never left your desk at all.

1. Wait for your boss to take a shit first

This is a difficult maneuver to pull, but when done properly, pays off dividends almost immediately. It’s a classic really, pure manipulation and subterfuge. No boss likes to see their employees using company time to take a crap. While it might be embarrassing for your co-workers to see how much time you’ve spent in the bathroom, it’s worth it if it means you never have to have an awkward chat about wasting company time with you bowel movements. Once your boss comes out of the bathroom, there’s no real way for them to tell how long you’ve been in there. This method, however, isn’t without its faults. If you’ve ever had bosses like mine and they’re robots, sometimes they don’t go to the bathroom at all. If your main goal is to stay off the bosses radar, wait for them to leave the office. Find your idea opportunity, and strike as soon as the time is right.

2. Wait until lunch

If you’re primary concern relates to being self-consciousness, one of your only moves is to wait until everyone is out of the office. This is particularly useful if you work in a confined space with the rest of your co-workers. Once they all go out for lunch, you’re home free to dump to your heart’s content. While this technique doesn’t exactly take advantage of “getting paid to poop”, it makes for a great way to keep your privacy while you poop at work.

3. Destroy the evidence

It’s just good manners to use a spray after you take a nice meaty dump. How many times have you walked into a public restroom and looked upon that holocaust of a stall that looks like someone bombed Nagasaki for the second time? So what can you do to make sure nobody sees the abomination you created on your latest trip to the lavatory? Well, it’s common courtesy to use the spray, maybe even light a match if you managed to leave behind a real stinker. Also, this goes without saying, but please flush the fucking toilet. Nothing screams that you’re a disgusting cunt of a co-worker quite like leaving a floater for the next poor bastard that walks in.

4. Pick your spot

You don’t want your office claim to be fame to be as the guy that takes shits all the time. There are choice time-frames throughout the day that make it easier to disappear for awhile without anybody noticing. The first is in the morning. One of the best shit-taking maneuvers you can pull is to take a big steaming dump right at the beginning of the day. Get into work, turn on your computer, and immediately head to the bathroom. This will allow you to take your shit while everybody else is still settling in for the day. When you come back, no one will even notice that you were gone in the first place. Your next choice window would be any time a group of your co-workers gets up for a meeting. You can take advantage of the chaos to slip away and do your filthy business without anyone else being the wiser. You’re last area of opportunity to take a shit at work is anytime you get a call on your company phone. This will create the perfect illusion that someone has called you with instructions to go do something somewhere else in the building. You can take advantage of this situation to go get paid to take a poop.

5. Own it

Honestly, the best way to take a shit at work is to own it. Nobody can prove that you aren’t continuously pooping for 20 minutes at a time, and believe me, nobody wants to try. Not to mention, as self-conscious as you might be about your regular shitting habits, the sad truth is that nobody really gives a shit that you’ve been in the bathroom three times today. Everybody shits. Own it.

Next time you leave your desk to poop at work, do it with confidence. A confident shit is a good shit, each and every time. Do it with gusto and no one will ever question your integrity again.

You'll also probably be interested in...