We all want to look professional in the eyes of our corporate superiors — that’s the dream. But it’s hard to save face sometimes, especially when it comes to functions that exist outside the office. So, how are you supposed to act when say, a boss invites you out for a business lunch? Your immediate thought is probably something along the lines of “fuck, this is going to get fired”. Don’t panic. With the right preparation and proper poise, we’ll show you how to look like a professional and dine with the best of them.
Don’t look like a fucking bum. It does’t matter whether you’re an assistant to the janitor or the vice president of regional sales, dress properly. Now, that doesn’t necessarily mean you have to wear a suit or a tuxedo, but dress appropriately for the occasion. If you’re being taken to a relatively fancy restaurant, don’t dress like an asshole and wear a t-shirt and cargo shorts. Look like an adult. Put on a button down shirt, some nice shoes and pants, and show your associates that you actually give a shit.
In short, refusing a drink makes you look like a pussy. It doesn’t matter if it’s 2 o’clock in the afternoon, never let your boss drink alone. More often than not, these things are being paid for with company money, so even if you don’t plan on finishing that 43$ glass of scotch, don’t refrain from ordering it. Take a sip, look them in the eye and say something semi-intelligent and move on. Business meetings always include a drink, so choke it down and try not to spend the rest of the afternoon keeled over and moaning.
This is a big one. It’s absolutely paramount that you don’t order something stupid and messy that’s going to drip down and stain your nice new white dress shirt. Order something simple. One of the most highly recommended meals for a business lunch is a classic steak. Steak is classic. It’s sophisticated yet simple. Don’t fuck it up and order it well done though. No one likes an asshole who orders their steak well done. Steak is a good way to minimize a mess when your eating your food. This creates the illusion that you are actually a semi-civilized human being, even outside of work. It’s easy to chew with your mouth closed, and to keep most of your food off the floor and in your stomach. Some choice food to avoid at a business lunch include: salads, pasta or any kind of sandwich.
Or better yet, turn your phone the fuck off. If someone has invited you a business lunch, they’re either a superior who is very fond of the work you do for the company, or a client who needs to discuss something important about the nature of your business together. In light of this information, why don’t you do yourself a giant favor and cut yourself off from the outside world for however long you sit at that table. Nobody likes a dickhead who stares at their phone, even if there’s more than one other person at the table. Don’t be the one twat who doesn’t engage and stares at a screen all afternoon.
You never want to arrive after the person you’re meant to meet. It’s best to arrive early and avoid any awkwardness of having to explain why your weren’t there at the designated time. It’s better to be early than late. And when you are early, never sit down before your guest arrives. It’s common courtesy to wait for them at the door so that when they do arrive, you can sit down together and they don’t feel like a prick for being late (even if they arrived on time).
This is basic dining 101. Don’t eat until everyone else has their food. If you look around the table and you’re the only one with a fork in your hand, put it the fuck down. While it might seem like a great way to assert dominance over your co-workers (even the hot one you kinda wanna bang), the reality is far closer to you just looking like a bag of stale dicks.
Follow these simple tips and dine like a pro, even among the towering titans that make up the 1% of the business elite.