Why Melted Cheese Is the Greatest Food on Earth

Since the days of Copernicus,man has dreamed of flight, true? Maybe, But there exists an even greater truth, one which taps a far deeper vein within the nature of human kind. Since the days of mans discovery of fire, we’ve dreamed of something far more lavish that sailing through the skies, we’ve dreamed…of melted cheese.

While it is widely believed that the original recipe for breaded cheese came out of France somewhere around the fifteenth century, the true origin of the of the mozzarella stick can be traced as far back as 1393. God bless the french, they’re not much fun, but damn do they know their way around some good cheese.

Who invented it? We may never know. But what we do know is that today, the dreams of men who lived thousands, maybe millions of years ago, can be seen on the menus of every pub across the globe under the glorious subheading: Starters.

So, what makes the mozzarella stick so objectively awesome? The idea that interplanetary travel is the pinnacle of human ingenuity is an all too common misconception. The very height of humanity was the moment people realized how absolutely fucking delicious it was to melt cheese. So, here are a few reasons why fried cheese is the king of all the food in the land.

Reason 1: Consistency

Mozzarella on its own, in its cold, shredded, natural form Is admittedly not half bad. The real beauty though, comes from the heated center. It turns the cheese into this wonderful volcano of salty white lava. Not quite solid, but not liquid either. It’s stringy, soft, and all around just delightful to have in your mouth. Now pair that together with the crunchy shell of deep-fried bread crumbs and what you have is a combination of soft and crunchy wonder the people of earth don’t even deserve. This appetizer that couches your unsuspecting lips that really…is just so much more.

Reason 2: It is absolutely not just an appetizer

The people who told you that fried cheese is only meant to be eaten as a precursor to a much hardier meal is very clearly an idiot. The standard order for an appetizer consists of roughly four mozzarella sticks. But the thing that most people overlook, is that they are generally ridiculously modestly priced. At 4.95$ and order, you can get twelve of these suckers and make an entire meal for yourself.

Reason three: Variety

There are oh so many varied forms in which to consume melted cheese. This article has delved deep into the world of the mozzarella stick, but there so many other wonderful variations in which is can be consumed.

1. Chicken Parmesan: Chicken Parmesan is fucking delightful. Breaded chicken covered in tomato sauce and melted Italian cheese. God damn do those Italian folks know how to make some delicious fucking food.
2. Pizza: Another mind blowingly delicious Italian creation. Not only is pizza delicious, but it just looks so beautiful and appetizing. Probably one of the only foods in the world that can literally (at times) be physically arousing. As If pizza weren’t already one of the greatest culinary breakthroughs of the modern world, some human, made of pure genius, decided it would be a good idea to take a syringe, and inject the crust with even more melted cheese. And guess what? It fucking was.
3. Cheese steak sandwich: Realistically, this one speaks for itself. But anything that includes a toasted Panini with shredded steak and a myriad of different sorts of cheese melted all over it, is surely something created by the gods themselves.
4. Cheesy garlic sticks: Again, self spoken claim to fame. But imagine a world without cheesy garlic bread. That is not a world any sane person would wanna live in.

Reason Four: Historical acclaim

Little known fact, Jesus melted cheese over all the bread and fish he served at the sermon on the mount.

Reason five: Irresistibility

Melted cheese is so fucking good that people who are lactose intolerant still eat it. That means that there are people out there who might literally shit their pants in public If they eat cheese, but their heads just scream “fuck it, it’s worth it”.

There you have it folks. It might seem like this is just the subjective opinion of one man writing one article, but in reality it’s so much more. Melted cheese is more than a food, it is an institution. Empires will rise and fall, but melted cheese will always be there. Era to era, throughout the course of history, until the end of time.


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